I apologise to those who prefer my blogs with enough pictures to tell the story, as this isn’t one of them!
I definitely didn’t take any photos around this time (trust me you’re lucky I didn’t 🙈) but next weeks blog will have double to make up for it!
Wobbly Wednesdays seem to be a thing of the past and replaced with Winning Wednesdays!
It’s not such a gloomy day anymore as something amazing always seems to come from a Wednesday.
It’s been 19 weeks, nearly 5 months.
I am feeling stronger than ever; physically, mentally and emotionally. 😍
This weeks Winning Wednesday decided to deliver a £1,000 donation to Luna’s Fund and a £1,000 voucher for a jewellers on behalf of Michael Spiers! 😍😍😍🌈
I know like WHAT THE ACTUAL F**K!
We were selected at random as part of a new initiative called #mslocalgem! More info on our Instagram/Facebook pages…
So we have had a crazy few days, another happy Winning Wednesday (wobbly Wednesdays are a thing of the past) and I’m currently sat admiring my view…
Yes you’re right, f**king golf videos again! 😁
…(and we can all see the bar of dairy milk your hiding sweetheart), as I reminisce and share a very uncomfortable blog post with you.
The body and the mind.
Two subjects which aren’t openly discussed in society, or if they are there are, they have negative associations attached to them.
I watched a programme called the Real Full Monty (Celebrities) recently where both males and females took the plunge to stand naked in front of the world to raise money for charity.
(Don’t get any ideas this will not be happening for Luna’s Fund… unless you donate well for Ryan, and then we can look into it)! 😂
But it showcased the real life issues each celebrity had faced or is facing behind closed doors.
If you also take Ant McPartlin for example, (1 half of Ant and Dec), one week he was ‘happily’ presenting on Saturday Night Takeaway and the next week he’s unable to present for the first time in history as his mental health is in a bad place.
All we see is a smiley guy on TV and assume everything’s okay.
This applies to life in general; social media being the main one.
The mind and the body are ‘awkward’ topics because 9 times out of 10 you feel obliged to portray a ‘perfect’ lifestyle or all you see is perfection, or you are told how to look, what size is normal, what body is perfect and the list goes on…
“Sometimes you need a reminder; it’s okay not to be okay.”
And you now get the ‘vibe’ of this weeks blog…
Ryan – “Baby, we need a holiday.”
Me – “Darling, I feel like a deflated rubber ring. The only place I’m going is to get my dressing gown…”
Ryan – “It’s what we need though, some sun, some alone time, a new place away from everyone and everything, somewhere to make new memories and we could even look at some wedding venues?”
Me – 😏😏😏
Well sh*t a brick stop right there, when’s the next flight 😁!?
And this is where:
• 1 x holiday to Cyprus (for making new memories)
• 2 x gym memberships (for operation mum and dad bod)
• 3 x positive mindset books (for pool time reading while Ry attends the gym, yes he’s one of those who attends a gym on holiday) 🙈
• 4 x suitcases (for Ry’s high heels and hair gel)
• 5 x days (for attending meetings with wedding planners) 😁
So in this moment the very last thing on my mind was the thought of getting ‘bikini ready’ but in hindsight, (yes I can spell it correctly now 😁) it was probably the best solution to get me out of my dressing gown and into the gym.
I had lived in 3 sizes too big M&S granny briefs for the past 6 weeks and was getting sick of feeling like an ‘old before my time smaller version of Bridget Jones.’
“I stood in the mirror admiring my Bridget Jones reflection and thought, why the f**k does Ryan even want to marry me?”
Since meeting him 6 years ago he has managed to sculpt me into a better version of my previous self.
Over the years I’ve always been the ‘lucky’ one in the office, who would think nothing of eating 5 chocolate doughnuts and a couple bags of crisps for a snack! 😆
But it seems everything’s changed now…
I actually can’t get enough of fresh fruit and veg and I’m really going off chocolate (I know, don’t choke), it’s like someone’s done a runner with the sweet toothed hoar I used to be. 🤭
My whole outlook on my body changed too.
Before pregnancy it simply didn’t cross my mind, that demolishing 3/4 takeaways a week was not okay because I couldn’t ‘see’ anything wrong internally and externally I was happy after after a gym session.
“It’s not until a little poppy seed of a human begins to grow in your womb that you re-evaluate everything… diet included.”
I now couldn’t think of anything worse as it’s not about me anymore.
I ate so well (a piece of lettuce on the plate was amazing for me to begin with 😁) throughout my pregnancy and have since developed and maintained my ‘new normal’ of healthy eating habits and new foods.
I had a textbook pregnancy and managed to exercise up until 2 days before Luna was born. I had never been so body confident and loved seeing the little changes and forever growing bump.
I was glowing.
(Oh those pics) 💔
But cast back to the days and weeks after giving birth and I couldn’t have felt further from how I felt in these photos. I had never felt so body conscious in all my life.
I had never battled with looking in the mirror and despising my reflection.
I fell in love with my body’s ability to nurture and grow my beautifully healthy baby but I despised the fact it had let me down.
“My sh*t pr**k of of body had let me down when I trusted it with my daughters life.”
I always knew that carrying and delivering a baby was always going to have ‘an effect’ and my arms were open and ready to embrace this change.
But in the forthcoming weeks since labour it was a deeper effect than I had anticipated.
I struggled to look in the mirror and see a different person, sad eyes, pale skin and that deflated pouch of skin to remind me of what I ‘haven’t got.’
I couldn’t shake the thought that hundreds of thousands of millions of women deliver babies alive… yet my body couldn’t?
There was no ‘it’s all been worth it’ because I had nothing in sight for it to be ‘worth it’ for.
I was battling with these thoughts and feelings for weeks but booking our holiday was the ultimate tool to kick me up the pancake ass and try to reconnect with the body, that deep down I knew I owed.
I had completed what felt like the longest 6 week recovery period, as advised by midwives.
The 4 week countdown had began for me to get into some kind of ‘fake the confidence bikini body ready’ shape.
“We planned to go away at the end of January, a little light to get us through the January blues.”
After giving birth I also had a 3cm separation abdominal tear (it felt worse than it was) and it was a bit of a f**ks sake, does anything else want to happen moment?! 🙈
It was really uncomfortable and just plain weird as I couldn’t even sit up off the sofa or sit up in bed. I had to continue rolling sideways as I had for the latter part of pregnancy until I completed the advised exercises and it healed.
“I would have been fuming if she gave me a shitty pregnancy, labour and outcome aswell.” 😁
So in these 4 short weeks I had a focus for my wondering mind and a reason to regain trust and love for body once more.
My aim was to relight my spark, fire up my motivation and kick start my urge to feel like me again.
We planned to start afresh.
We signed up at our local gym as opposed to the one we were previously using at my work. It was a great feeling to start new, and I blended in with the new January gym goers which really helped.
“I was no longer in the same gym that I was lunging and sidestepping Luna out of a few weeks previous.”
It was incredibly shocking just how hard I found it. It was like I’d never been to the gym before. It was like I hadn’t trained for the past 6 years and I was starting from scratch.
My confidence was also at rock bottom and I suffered with gymxiety (anxiety about going to the gym, I don’t know if it’s a thing or if I’ve made this up 😁) as I hated being surrounded by confident gym goers.
Everything was new and I had to adjust to using the equipment and practicing everything I already knew, (to the point where squatting with 10kg was a killer 🙈).
I simply clung to Ryan and we trained together just like we did in the old days.
“There’s no better feeling than training with your partner. I was watching us vent, grow and flourish, not only alone but as a couple.”
We grew stronger by the day both mentally and physically.
Everyone in the gym was so friendly and Ryan became part of the furniture as he attended twice a day for his own sanity and grieving process (aka. to get away from me for an hour 😁).
After a week or so of Ryan encouraging me, (or should I say forcing me into the car and dragging me into the gym 😁) I felt my strength slowly return.
My motivation was at an all time high (I wish it was now 🙈) and I felt more determined than ever.
“For the first time in my life I had a real reason to push myself. I would see my locket reflecting back at me and a little voice in the back of my mind saying you can do it.”
There is no better feeling than blasting music while training. I can only ever exercise with music (those without headphones you are just amazing) as it drowns my thoughts and the negative nelly voice in my head.
For 1 hour I would be transported to my own world where I could forget about everything.
Music holds the greatest power and the strongest cure.
Ry would let me off going on my sh*tty days as I simply couldn’t attend even if I wanted to; but on my ‘off days’ I would still drag myself there, knowing by the end of it I would be in a much better place.
On these days I’m full of emotion and I allow the tears to roll as I tone a roll.
It’s strangely therapeutic as I would release the pain through the pain of the weights while ‘those songs’ blare into my ears.
I loved this feeling.
I loved walking to the car feeling lighter than I came in as another weight had been lifted (excuse the pun 😁).
I loved feeling stronger than when I left the house and to feel the endorphins racing around my body for the rest of the day.
I was beginning to feel alive again.
I was beginning to feel like ‘me’ again.
“The gym part started becoming easier as the eating side was getting harder.”
I had completely lost my appetite since the day Luna arrived and grief was making it even tougher than I could have ever imagined.
(Grief, you really are a f**king w**ker to put it politely). 😁
As I write this, it’s weird as it’s not ‘me’…
It’s the complete opposite of my former self. Those who know me (and especially those who work with me) know that I will graze like a rabbit from 6am to 8pm all day errrryyyyday.
Especially when I was pregnant, I ate like my life depended on it as I wanted this baby to grow and flourish.
“I finally had an excuse to consume my body weight in pizza (don’t worry I made sure it had peppers and sweetcorn on top).” 😍
But all of a sudden I was struck with a shrinking stomach and a real lack of appetite. I never felt hungry and felt forced to eat.
I would get (and still get) the sh*t banter remarks from Ryan who says…
“I’ve seen more meat on a vegetarians barbecue.” 😂
“I’m going to start calling you the white Mo Farah.” 😂😂
“Wife, I’ve seen more meat on a butchers pencil.” 😂😂😂
Really, he is just a jealous pr*ck as he could only dream of being this lean but loves his biscuits (and chocolate as you’ve seen) too much! 😁
I know what he’s implying with these remarks and so I tried (and still try) even harder for him too.
It was getting to the point where I would be urging having only eaten a few forkfuls and my favourite meals were now my least favourite.
“I had new negative feelings with my once fave meals and it was time to find my new normal.”
Going to the gym helps to create a tiny appetite but I was exhibiting more calories than intaking. I had to experiment with trying new things, foods and flavours (literally like a 4 year old 😂) all over again.
Even to this day I am still working on this. It’s so hard putting on weight and I never knew this was such a hard thing to do, as let’s be honest everyone loves food?!
But no they don’t, and I in particular never thought I would be one of these people facing this issue.
It’s a real eye opener.
Having perfected the art of creating and carrying a human I was grateful that my body had also remembered my former state (thanks to muscle memory).
Slowly but surely, I became amazed with its endless abilities and rekindled the trust I had once lost.
I had to remember that it had also been through so much (and still is) and I should be thankful that it’s still got me here today.
“I suppose most women suffer in some way, shape or form post pregnancy; I just never expected these feelings.”
I have these books to thank for this! 👏🏾
The outline of these books is all about your mindset.
“Thoughts become things.”
I am complimented and questioned regarding my positivity on a daily basis.
It’s more 90% direct amazement and 10% indirect ‘how can she be so happy and smiley when she’s just lost her baby.’
…well this is why.
I came across the secret/the law of attraction about a year ago and thought it was some kind of American hype that would soon pass.
“I’m a big believer in fate, and things happening for a reason anyway, but since Luna, I’ve been more open to this idea and even things spiritually.”
I was on Twitter and stumbled across a tweet about the secret and the law of attraction and I read all of the retweets and comments and I swear to god everyone was raving.
I thought crikey Moses where have I been all my life and hopped onto Amazon straight away.
The reviews led to me purchasing all 3 linked books and as they say, the rest is history…
I had originally saved them to read on holiday but as I hadn’t started blogging or set up the charity, I had spare time (what is that 😁) and so I began reading. 🤓
“Well f**k a duck and slap me silly. How did I not know about this?!”
So the books basically teach you to switch up your mindset to think differently. It prompted me to look at all of the things I still have and will have, rather than what I don’t and to create a list of appreciation and desires.
It showed me that some people would kill to have what I have, even though I feel so f**king sh*t about my own life.
By switching up my mindset I soon realised I felt so much better. I came to the realisation that life ‘is what it is’ and it’s for living.
I am more fortunate than others to know that my girl is safe, happy, being looked after by great grandparents and her ‘death’ was unpreventable.
I also know that the last thing she would want, is to see an angry upset mumma.
It’s simply not me.
You can’t feel sorry for yourself and you can’t ponder ‘why me’ for the rest of your life. You’re dealt a pack of cards and you have to deal with them.
It’s as simple as that.
“It’s up to you to decide if you will give up and chuck your cards before your about to win or to hold them tight to your chest and wait for the jackpot?”
So yes I’m in a f**king d**k of a position which I never dreamed I would have to deal with, but that was my card.
That was what I was dealt.
So as instructed I began listing everything I do have, cards of which others would only dream of. These cards I hold very close to my chest now:
• My life – I’m here to share our story, I’m on the long and bumpy road to recovery, I’m still breathing, I’m able to have future children.
• My fiancé – We are closer than ever, we have an unbreakable bond, he treats me like a queen.
• True love – I found this aged 18, and will have it forever.
• Motherhood – I have a daughter, I have been able to experience life’s greatest gift.
• Our families – I am smothered in love, texts, calls of well wishes, simply drowned in love on a daily basis.
• My friends – I have only a handful but they are all I need, they have my best interests at heart and care for me like sisters.
• My age – I am still so young and have my whole life ahead of me to look forward to.
• Our home – My dream home purchased aged 21 and in 18 months we have made it (I have made it 😁) warm, comfortable and cosy.
• A job – I am looked after and surrounded by the greatest support system!
• A car/ a dog/ food/ my own hair/ all working limbs/ clothes/ money…
The list goes on!
People are so quick to focus on the ‘poor me, poor me, pour me a milkshake’ 😁 vibe, for any little thing that may go wrong or not to ‘plan’ in their life.
The books have taught me that if I have any chance in life and if I want to grow, make change or improve… you have focus your attention on it, and believe positively.
If you look at it on the flip side you will see…
My cards are what others simply dream of:
• A homeless person – Would love food, water shelter and warmth but they may have a child.
• The richest people – (Khloe Kardashian for example) Would love true love, but has all the money and things in the world and a baby on the way.
• A couple who have true love – Would love a child and have tried for years but simply cannot have children.
• A man called Ryan – Would love a pair of trousers that fit his legs but has tanned skin instead. 😁
And this is where you will see you hold the cards others could only dream of holding.
Positive mindset is the key.
Trust me, I’ve done the negative nelly mindset and quite frankly it got me nowhere but in a greater hole without a light in sight.
I’ve done the whole why me, why us, why not the scrotes who don’t look after them or love them or the vile women who smoke outside the hospital while pregnant or in between contractions as I’ve witnessed with my own f**king eyes.
And then you see I get irate so very f**king quickly and have to stop myself from going there as it’s so easy to do.
“You can blame the world, blame a person, blame the tiny things but that isn’t going to help anyone.”
The past cannot be changed but you can still change the future.
And then I realised that ‘this’ hasn’t happened to these kind of people, because they wouldn’t make a difference.
They wouldn’t use this to their advantage to benefit others, change the world or improve the way we view and speak of baby loss.
So this is my time to shine.
“I need to get to the gym. Get my dream bod. Get in my dream dress. Get married to my dream man. And get our dream charity under way.”
And before you know it, all of these ‘things’ are in the process of happening or have already happened. 😍
People may say I’ve always ended up ‘lucky’ but I’m not lucky by any means. I’ve known since I was about 10 years old what I wanted and I have it.
This is because I’ve spent years dreaming, knowing and allowing these ‘things’ to manifest.
It’s only by reading these books that I realised I’ve been using ‘the secret’ my whole life without really realising it. The evidence was in my past and my soon to be future.
So if you want something so bad, focus all of your time, energy, thoughts, dreams, on this