It’s a bright sunny evening as I lay in the conservatory with the sun on my face, ready to share part 10 with you.
There are a lot more photos, a little less swearing, but a few more words (you will see towards the end why that is), so welcome! 😁
We received a very precious parcel this week, just in time for this very precious blog.
“What impeccable timing you have Luna Valentina.” ❤️
In preparation for this once in a lifetime occasion, I had spent weeks and weeks trawling the internet and researching companies who could meet my expectations and provide us with a diamond from Luna’s ashes.
Yes you read right. 💎
“Our daughter was about to grow into the brightest (and tiniest) diamond we will ever see.”
I (we 😁) chose a company called Heart in Diamond who are based in Derby, UK.
Upon early stage enquiries they instantly gave me a good vibe. They were able to answer my queries, concerns (and my 20 emails of interrogation 😉) perfectly, to ensure they would treasure every single gram of my daughter.
“I instantly felt like these were ‘the one.’ My gut was saying go for it, but my head was saying not to send her away.”
Before finalising my decision I researched the website and watched their YouTube videos to comprehend the lengthy diamond creating process from scratch and to also understand the methods conducted.
What was even more special was the option of creating two mini diamonds with this company.
Like what the f**k!! This is amazing! His & hers diamonds… 😍
A genius idea.
“And this is where the idea of embedding Luna into our wedding rings evolved.”
The company are also affordable aka.. not £10,000+ like the rest, (much to Ryan’s delight), and we also chose the colour yellow as it symbolises everything bright, light, optimistic and cheery.
It is also most like the colour of the moon, the stars and the sun. 🌙✨
Ryan was especially pleased as yellow/orange is the cheapest colour diamond. Well done Luney for keeping your dad sweet 😁)!
The brochure arrived which was simply stunning, and the information pack was very informative. Everything was printed on high quality material (this means a lot to someone who has to print on off coloured ‘white’ recycled paper at work 😁) and the customer service was impeccable.
“My pet hate in life is poor customer service, so this was very important to me.” 🤓
The other deciding factor for these is that they have the equipment to create the diamond on site.
Other companies who offer similar, have to send off the required materials to another factory or overseas to be made.
“This was a huge tick in the box and a huge sigh of relief to know their machinery and processes are carried out on site.”
This meant avoiding the extra complication (anxiety, worry, sleepless nights) of Luna’s ashes being sent on again and the increased risk of them being lost.
The only thing that I would like to have changed (if anything) is the delivery method.
Although perfect and I never had any issues, (for once in my life with using Royal Mail), it was just the sheer worry.
No offence to my father-in-law-to-be (who is a postman 🤓) but I can’t trust Royal Mail with my £4 top from eBay 99% of the time, let alone trust them with the responsibility of looking after the most precious grams in my entire world.
I kept mentally preparing myself to look at the tracking information online and for it to display the dreaded ‘we are processing your item through our network,’ which basically means ‘your f**ked, we’ve lost it, soz.’ 😁
So included with my information pack was a prepaid special delivery envelope ready for the ashes to be tracked at every step.
“This still didn’t help that niggle of worry thinking it would be just my f**king luck for her to get lost in the post.” 😩
The special parcel box arrived with all of the relevant information and instructions…
After briefly scanning the step by step process I quickly realised my role in this.
Oh my f**king sweet mother of Jesus Christ.
I HAVE TO WEIGH HER.
The instructions stated they needed 100g of ash to grow the 2 mini diamonds that we requested.
She felt about 100g and I thought it would be close by a couple of grams here or there but when I popped her on the scales my heart sunk.
She only weighed 49g. 💔
I was f**king gutted.
Now I can’t get my f**king diamonds.
Now what the f**k am I going to do!? 😩
I emailed the company that evening and had to sweat it out all night before they responded the following morning.
The good news is they said it wasn’t an issue as long as I could add 51g of hair to make up for it…
*Shouts up the stairs…*
You need a hair cut! 😂
So Ry took one for the team and I cut his hair, (don’t worry I am trained 😉) but that only made up about 25g.
Oh for f**k’s sake. 🙈
So it looked like it was my time to take one for the team, and I began hacking at my own. 😁
I was too impatient to wait for someone to do it so I trimmed all of the split ends I could find (quite a few actually) before I began hacking into the weight of it (you really do owe me Luney bear 😩).
This finally made up the outstanding grams. ❤️
“It’s a good thing my hair was super luscious at the time from my pregnancy hormones, (unlike now where I’m molting like a hairy bitch)!” 😁
I also had a Blue Peter moment as I was mid scissor happy and thought ooooo, ‘here’s some I had earlier’ and remembered the lock of warm waves we received from the midwife when she trimmed Luna’s hair.
Although only a teeny tiny lock, her hair was long and thick. I took half of this lock and added it into the mix.
(If the midwife had shaved Luna’s head she probably would have been able to make up the 51g on her own) 😍😁…
“And there I was staring at all of our locks, interlocked with love.”
I only had a meltdown 3 times (world record) but I simply couldn’t f**king believe (and still can’t) what I was actually doing.
It just hit me right there and right then.
“I’m stood here weighing my own daughters ashes, like this ISNT F**KING NORMAL.”
Sealed, prepared, parcelled and packaged to perfection, it was time for the dreaded post office.
“I was praying to f**king god they didn’t ask me what was inside… like they always do.”
Post office lady: NEXT.
Me: Just this one please special delivery…
Post office lady: On the scales – (grumpy AS F**K, rude tone, moody b*tch). 🙄
Post office lady: Pass it through.
Me: Thanks. (I now have sweat patches from the nerves).
Post office lady: Types on computer… What’s inside?
Me in my head: FUCK MY ACTUAL LIFE YOU NOSY B*TCH, UM WHAT WEIGHS 110g?!?!?! Shall I lie? Shall I tell her? Why didn’t I think of something before?! Why can’t I think of something that weighs 110g!
Me: My daughters ashes, (as quietly as humanly possible to avoid frightening the whole impatient queue who were already tutting at me). 🙈
Post office lady: Oh, erm, oh okay, well I will erm, I’ll place this one in the bag very carefully then and winked at me.
This wink was most definitely a ‘don’t worry she’s safe with me, sorry for your loss, sorry for being rude, you look about 5, get yourself some sweets, are you even old enough to have a baby’ wink. 😂
Post office lady’s thoughts: Oh my f**king god what a crazy woman it’s a shame it’s probs going to get lost, should I warn her?
My thoughts: Oh my fucking god what am I doing, it’s probably going to get lost, shall I back out now and take her home?
She placed her gently in the bag and gave me my receipt. I could now track her the whole way. 🤞🏾
Another thing on my list of ‘brave things to do’ had been tackled and it was now out of my control and into the hands of the universe to look after my ‘very special delivery.’
“I just had to cling on to every inch of hope that she would be returned to me.”
She would be gone for between 8-12 weeks, depending on the growing phase and how long it would take. I knew this, and I was prepared for the almighty wait, but the most amazing thing I found with this company is the personal touch from start to finish.
“They text, called and emailed me with updates of where Luna was in the diamond process.”
On many occasions, without them even knowing and by simply just doing their job, they helped transform my mood and make my day just by receiving one of their updates.
Every update was another step closer to being reunited. ❤️
So 2 months later, several mini panic attacks, numerous sleepless nights and a gut of regret for putting my child in the post later… she’s home.
She may only be smaller than a pair of earrings but these mini diamonds are the biggest, most beautiful reminder of how far we have come!
“It destroys me to see she has returned to the same size she used to be. Our little poppy seed.” 💔
These two tiny dots just break my f**king heart. It’s another piece of evidence to prove that this is all we are left with now and another element of disbelief.
I cannot believe, still to this day, that she was once a living baby, but is now a diamond.
She was once a living baby who would wriggle around, kick me, have hiccups and yawn on our 4D scans.
She had beautiful chubby cheeks, a button nose, long fingers and toes, big feet and fingernails.
She had a thick head of hair, long eyelashes and kissable lips…
“Now only two tiny diamonds and crisp certificate are all we are left with forever.” 💔
Our daughter, our dot, our diamond.
And here we are already at blog number 10.
I have reflected a lot these last few weeks of how crazy time goes and how far I have come on my own journey.
I never knew when I was sitting in the doctors surgery waiting room, just 12 short weeks ago, that I would have created a username and password for the most amazing healing tool on the market.
“I wouldn’t have got to where I am today without my blog, my baby, my best friend. An actual lifesaver.” ❤️
Just 2 weeks after creating my logon details and 2 days spent googling instructions on how on Earth to use it… I wrote my first blog.
Blog post 1. 🌈
I fannyed around for days prior to publishing, wondering if what I was writing was too much, too explicit, too upsetting, too jokey, too offensive, too much, not enough, will anyone even read it, you name it, I thought it.
“It was the moment when I removed all doubt that the real magic happened.”
I felt so sick once I posted my first blog for people to actually read that I automatically wanted to delete the post, close my account, and grieve behind closed doors.
This is what society teaches bereaved parents to do.
But then, out of nowhere, without any expectations, and without warning…
You happened. ❤️
Readers were reading.
Not just reading but actually enjoying.
Not just enjoying but loving.
Not just loving but liking and laughing.
Not just liking and laughing but sharing and subscribing.
Not just sharing and subscribing but supporting.
Not just supporting but experiencing.
Suddenly, I’m no longer alone. Tens of thousands of readers were all experiencing the rollercoaster of grief with me.
“People weren’t just reading and continuing their daily business. They were reading and feeling moved, empowered, inspired, motivated, thankful, grateful for their lives and their things.”
Tissues and sleeves have wiped countless snotty noses and numerous watery eyes as people have embraced Luna’s story for what it is; the real life awkward reality of giving birth to an angel. 💔
“In just a mere 10 weeks my life has simply transformed once more.”
I have taken myself back and quite frankly forced myself to re-read blog 1 through to this very moment.
And F**K me, it was a hard read for many reasons.
(You poor things, what have I done to you all)! 😁
But what’s worse is even though it happened to me, and even though I know what’s coming next, it still has me feeling an combination of every single emotion.
“I’m reading my own story as if it were a book.”
And I can’t lie, it’s f**king unbearable.
It was unbearable to relive and remember exactly how I felt in the moment I wrote those words.
It’s unbearable knowing how absolutely weak, sad and f**king heartbroken I was at having to face the photos and stare at my broken life; inserting them all to share with the world.
“But it is so unbelievably bearable to see the woman I am today as a result of this.” ❤️
I am a woman who is surrounded by love and support on a daily basis. Positive people all rooting for me/us/the charity to do well and for us to have happiness.
This is simply remarkable.
I am a woman who can get up in the morning, work a 40 hour week, plan a wedding (210 days), a hen do (93 days), look after my man, maintain a beautiful household, run around after Saint (literally his social life is better than ours 😁), and most importantly create, build and evolve our Luna’s Fund empire which just keeps on growing. ❤️
“Yet, just 5 months ago, I was a woman who couldn’t even function other than to breathe.”
This blog has been a huge chapter for my early days. It has been there for me when I needed it most, when I had the time, energy and need to pour my heart and soul into a blank screen.
But having returned to work for a couple of weeks now and adjusting to my new normal, I really need to focus on looking after myself.
The gym is calling (he’s missed me for many weeks now) and I have to turn this pancake arse into a peach in just 210 days. 😁
“This blog was predominantly written for my own healing process, but along the way it has picked up the people who have needed it, or wanted it and carried them with me.
Those of you who have been thrown into the club that no one wants to be a member of, please know that you are never alone and one day, Luna’s Fund will help you… hopefully sooner rather than later. ❤️
“My blog, my baby, my best friend, I will continue you when I need you, but for now I don’t.”
It’s time for our next chapter.
It’s time to focus on my new beginnings. ❤️
…continued when I turn this blog, into a book. 😍
Lots of love,
Aimee, (Small) Ryan, Luna and Saint x